When You Don't Get A "Thank You"
I'm having this spontaneous nudge to share something with you that I have been working on in my own life, my personal life, and I've seen it in my clients.
What I'm about to share with you has really served both me in overcoming this as well as my clients - so I really wanted to share this with you.
If you resonate as someone who continuously people pleases; say yes when you really mean no, do favours when you actually really don't want to, lend money that you really don't have extra to give, lend of your time (that you really don't have extra to give), lend of your energy (that you really don't have extra to give). Maybe you have even attracted people who are/were continuously in need of help, of support, of guidance, and you feel like maybe they're more of a taker and you're more of the giver.
If you resonate with what I'm saying, a people pleaser saying yes when you really mean no and bending over backwards. Being left feeling depleted at the end of the day, like you didn't get anything done that you wanted to get done, like all you ever do is take care of everyone else and never take care of yourself.
This is for you.
If you are open to hearing this right now it is going to set you wildly free. So pay attention.
I'm going to start with a little example - a personal story of how I had this light bulb moment.
It's not a pretty story, but I'm here to help and if I need to divulge this information with you, I will.
About a year ago (last June 2017) it was my birthday. I don't expect much for my birthday from my friends and family, a 'hello', a 'happy birthday', a text, a card - is nice. I love to spend time with people close to me if we can do that. That's my love language, for anyone who's read The Five Love Languages, quality time.
There was someone in my inner circle who I had done (in my own mind) a lot for this particular person. I had done a lot to help them. I had done a lot to support them. I had given of extra time that I didn't necessarily have. I had given extra money that I hadn't necessarily budgeted giving away. I had gone out of alignment with myself in order to be of service to this person.
When you think about it in your mind, you say "well, that's what a good person does"
A good person is always there for other people, especially the people closest to them. They always say yes. They always go out of their way. They bend over backwards even if it's not convenient.
And that's true. But here's where I was going wrong..
I was saying yes when I actually didn't want to say yes, I was doing things that I actually didn't want to do and honestly this person never asked me to.
This person never actually asked me to do any of this.
I was taking on the role of savior, of a protector, of encourager, of rescuer, of all these things. I took that role on. Nobody asked me to.
It's my birthday, and here's this person that I have been bending over backwards for and I didn't receive even a birthday card. (I think I got like a facebook message or something, but no card, no nothing. This is an inner, inner circle person and I was so triggered. I'm not proud to admit, but I was upset.)
I was triggered.
I don't get easily angered, especially in such a way.
I'm not a confrontational person so I didn't even confront this person, but I could not sleep. All I could think was how does this happen? How does this happen? I started listing all the things I've done over the past year, or couple years, and all the times I had gone out of my way. I couldn't even sleep. I was tossing in my bed.
Finally I turned on my phone and I watched a Ted Ted talk that actually changed everything for me.
What this person went on to describe in the Ted talk is that as children, we are rewarded for helping other people.
We are given a pat on the back, a tap on the head.
Every time that we do something nice, every time we go out of our way or share, even if we didn't want to, we get this pat on the back.
And there's nothing wrong with that - but where we can get tripped up is when we are still doing that as adults
and we're doing it to fill a need.
So I really want to differentiate. There's a difference between doing nice things for people because you want to and because it genuinely feels good to, and going out of alignment with yourself because you have a need to be pat on the head and told that you're a good person.
One of those things is genuine. One of those things you really wanted to do and you really had no expectation of anything in return. You would have done this thing, this favor, this nice deed, even if this person didn't say thank you for it - even if they didn't know that you did it.
The other type, this is the type that I'm focusing on, is when you have self-appointed yourself as savior and you need to be the rescuer and you need to help this person and you slide in there to fix everything for them and you get to a place where you become bitter and resentful.
What you're looking for is for some self-worth cup to be filled from gratitude, from appreciation, from someone telling you that you're a good person or that you did a good job or that you're a good sister, a good wife, a good daughter, or a good coach.
Here's how you can tell the difference.
This is how I test everything now because I used to just say yes all the time. Before I'm about to do something like offer to pay for something or offer to do something, I just take a second to test if I'm in alignment with saying yes to this.
I picture that I've already done it.
I picture that I've already answered the question or done the good deed or whatever, put down the favor or paid for this or that, and I asked myself, would I be pissed if they didn't say thank you? Would I do this?
There's going to be times when you think "yeah, totally."
and there are going to be times when you don't.
That's how you really tell the difference.
Please let me know if what I'm sharing resonates with you, if it makes sense, if it's landing with you - because I love sharing this information with you, but I do want to know if it's actually helping.
Remember that you are loved unconditionally and supported unconditionally.
I'm sending you so much love.